What He Regrets
by loofahlover
Summary: Post-timeskip. A stranger offers to resurrect Portgas D. Ace, for the price of one of the Strawhats' lives. There are two answers that Luffy could give. But he chooses the third. Slight Zolu, but mostly nakamaship. T for language and violent/disturbing imagery.
1. What He Regrets

The stranger suddenly jumped onto the railing of the Thousand Sunny out of thin air. He was a short, gangly man with dark eyes. He had a bright black and purple top hat, a black shirt, and white suspenders attached to white pants. He twirled his hat slowly and made a low bow.

**"A thousand pleasant salutations to the passengers of this vessel! My name is Hashimo, and I ate the Life Life Fruit."**

The Adult Trio made little response. Franky looked up from where he was fixing part of the deck for the umpteenth time. Robin had been drinking tea as she read a book while Brook serenaded with his violin. They gazed at the stranger passively.

The Scaredy-Cat Trio predictably panicked. Chopper latched onto Usopp's waist, who was busy pointing at the newcomer with an accusatory finger. Nami jumped up from her lawnchair with a shriek.

As for the Monster Trio, Zoro stayed against the mast, having awoken from his nap. His eye was half-lidded, assessing the situation. A few feet away, Sanji bit down on his cigarette as he stood in front of Nami, who was still shrieking about the sudden intruder. The two could taste it in the stranger's haki. He was dangerous, hiding behind an innocent façade. And if they could sense the danger, their Captain certainly could too.

Normally Luffy would have rushed to anything that smelled of mystery. But now he was standing in front of Hashimo, arms crossed and staring with a slightly feral smile. "Life Life Fruit, huh?" he subconsciously shielded all eight of his nakama behind him, shifting his left foot slightly as if daring the stranger to make a move.

"**Precisely."** Hashimo sat down where he had stood, two hands on the side of the railing. He started humming rather obnoxiously, and for a moment, nothing happened. Then, he lifted his right hand to reveal a branch growing from the railing, with a few leaves delicately swaying with the wind.

"**My right hand gives life, and in return my left…"** he lifted his other limb to reveal a rotting black spot, **"takes it away. Think of it as exchange. I can't make things appear out of thin air, after all!" **

"Amazing…" Chopper breathed in spite of his fear, the implications not lost on the young doctor.

"Th-th-that's not the point!" Usopp stuttered. "Answer this! Who are you? Are you a bounty hunter? Or the Marines? Are you an enemy or not? How old are you? Where did you come from? What-"

"So what do you want with us?" Zoro interrupted with a growl.

"**Peace, peace, I'm not here to fight, I'm here to help. I am but a simple drifter, using my powers to make people happy,"** Hashimo smiled, his gesture not quite reaching his eyes. **"A long time ago, I discovered that my powers had the ability to bring anything back to life. Inanimate objects,"** he gestured at the railing**, "plants,"** the mikan trees, **"even…people."** He was met with loud gasps.

"**I can sense it. You fellows have much experienced much sorrow and loss in your lives. What wouldn't you give to have one of your loved ones back from the grave? What wouldn't you give for…Portgas D. Ace, for instance?"**

Zoro straightened up, hands on his swords, when Luffy threw out an arm to stop him.

"Wait."

"He's hiding something, Luffy. " Zoro clenched his teeth, but he could see it in Luffy's eyes. Behind the caution and anger was a flicker of pain, then a painful desperation that seeped into one word.

"How?"

"Luffy!"

"**With my powers, it's simple. But like I said, I can't make something out of nothing. I would need material, of similar composition. How about…"** Hashimo pointed behind Luffy, whose eyes followed in surprise and landed on the people behind him. **"The lifeforce of one of your crew members."**

In that instant, eight people's mind exploded with racing thoughts.

_NonononoIdon'twanttodiepleasedon'tdoitLuffy_

…_Luffy?_

_Luffy-san?_

_You're kidding, right?_

_You wouldn't do that…would you Luffy?"_

…_What?_

_You dare to suggest that our Captain would forsake one of us?!_

_No! He wouldn't do that!...Would he?_

But before they could open their mouths to protest, Luffy had already returned his gaze to the little man. "No." his dark, furious eyes said the rest.

But Hashimo didn't seem to be deterred. **"Just think about it for a bit. In return for your precious brother, the former second commander of the Whitebeard pirates, you can rid your hands of any weakling you want, anyone you've ever held a grudge against, anyone's who's defied your orders. You are the Captain, after all."**

"They are my nakama. _Don't you touch them_." Luffy clenched his fists so tight that throbbing veins were visible. The rest of the crew left out a sigh they didn't know they were holding.

"I believe it's time you left the ship." Robin spoke calmly, her graceful arms held close to her chest in an attack pose. The rest of the Strawhats began to follow her lead.

Hashimo chuckled**. "I should have suspected as much." **He turned to Luffy.** "A pirate such as yourself doesn't rise so far, so quickly, without first garnering unconditional loyalty from his crew. Ah, by the way, I must apologize for just now. I actually lied. I can't bring back Portgas D. Ace using the life of one of your crewmates."**

Outcries of rage and indignation bounced around the ship.

"**It's a matter of composition."** Hashimo slapped the altered railing twice in explanation." **I need it to be as close to the original material as possible. Gender, height, health, experiences, strength, memories…there are many factors of uncertainty when dealing with human life. Honestly, the only person on this ship who could possibly serve as the starting material is… You." **And he pointed a clean, manicured finger at the captain of the ship.

"YOU DAMN-" Zoro flew forward, swords brandished, only to be stopped by a thin but deceptively strong arm.

"My life...for Ace's?" Luffy looked utterly lost.

"Don't you believe a thing he says! He's lying!"

"What the shitty marimo said. Luffy, you've been his target the whole time!" Sanji had also surged forward, only to be stopped by Luffy's other arm.

"**What do you think Portgas D. Ace would have wanted? I think he would have wanted to live."**

"Strawhat-bro, let's blow this guy away." Franky cocked his shoulder missile launchers, while Brook walked forward and began pulling out his cane sword.

"**He had such a glorious life. But so short. He died long before it was his time."**

"Shut up, shut up!" Usopp had cocked his slingshot in front of Hashimo as Robin tethered the stranger down with multiple hands.

"**It's what you wanted as well, wasn't it? You risked your life two years ago to save his. This is practically the same thing!"**

Nami started shaking Luffy gently, speaking in an urgent voice. "Luffy, don't listen to him. Look at me!" And this moment, she wanted to kill the stranger. She had never killed a human before, but she could damn well try. But she couldn't do it without the Captain's orders. Because regardless of the times she knocked him upside the head for his stupid antics and argued about their next destination, she was _his_ navigator through and through. And the last time she had defied him, she had sailed away and felt like her heart was getting ripped in two. She never wanted to feel that way again, to do that to her captain ever again.

None of them wanted to. In the past, some of them had fought against Luffy. Some had walked away. Some (more like all) had rejected his invitations and some were hiding secrets from him. And they were all soaked in deep, stinging regret about that time, two years ago, when they should have been there, should have moved heaven and earth just to be there, like he had for his brother. But they hadn't. And for that reason, they were still hesitating now, even though this little top-hatted fool should have been in a diced-up, smoking, acid-covered heap on the ground. Because they didn't want to hurt their captain again. Because their Captain's eyes were soaked in such pain and longing and -could that really be- hope. They were afraid that if they killed this abominable human at this very instant, their Captain would shatter like glass, into a million little bloodstained pieces.

"**He didn't deserve to die so soon."**

It was so quiet, you could barely hear it. The sound of elastic being pulled to its maximum tension. The groan of muscle. The scuff of a shoe ready to spin against the ground. The clank of three metal poles. They had to talk Luffy down, make him see the foolishness of this situation. _But what to say?_

"**I think it's actually quite fair to suggest this to you. It is, after all…"** the stranger gave a meaningful glance at the stunned boy. **"Your fault that he died."**

The anger was so palpable from their bodies that it threatened to set the deck on fire. They opened their mouths to object when suddenly-

"…my fault." Not a question, not a realization. A quiet statement of agreement.

Zoro snapped. In an instant, the stranger was split in half, a look of knowing still stuck on both sides of his smug little face, before the carnage fell into the waters below. Zoro quickly turned around and punched Luffy in the face.

Vaguely, the rest of the Strawhats were surprised. Zoro never punched. Even in his mock fights with Sanji, he would always attack with the sheath or the blunt side of his swords. In terms of violence, his swords did the talking. _He never punched._ But they didn't really care at the moment. They turned to look at Luffy, who was lying on the ground with a shocked expression on his face.

"_You idiot."_ Zoro had never before had such an expression of absolute rage.

"Oy, Zoro. " Sanji warned, stepping in front of his Captain. The tense situation warranted use of the bastard's full name. If he tried punching again, Sanji was probably the only one fast enough to stop him.

"It's fine." Luffy was up in an instant, placing a shaking hand on Sanji's shoulder. "Thanks Zoro."

Luffy was staring into space. His eyes were suddenly, frighteningly vacant of emotion. For a few seconds, but what felt like an eternity, he did nothing. He didn't speak, didn't break down into tears, didn't scream. Then he slowly tilted his straw hat down, and walked toward the front of the ship. He lethargically jumped onto the figurehead and sat down, clearly not wanting to be disturbed.


	2. What They Cherish

Zoro stomped off into the crow's nest, and soon the faint clanking of weights echoed down to the deck. Meanwhile, everyone else had convened on the lawn to wonder about who Hashimo was. A Marine? A bounty hunter? Or maybe just a psychopathic weirdo? It could have been any of the three going after Luffy's bounty. Even Robin, with her extensive knowledge on criminals that she had gained from staying with the Revolutionaries, had never heard of the Life Life fruit. But then again, there were many strange things to be found in the New World.

The rest of the afternoon was spent in uneasy quiet. The people on the ship went about various tasks, occasionally sneaking a glance toward the front of the ship. Meanwhile, Luffy silently sat on the figurehead, staring across the ocean. He didn't move a muscle, despite the babbling coaxes from some, and the worried glances of others. It wasn't until Sanji called everyone for dinner that he was forcibly dragged from the figurehead and into the galley.

* * *

Any other day, it would have been a perfect idea, Sanji later thought. As the crew trickled into the galley, he served up Luffy's favorite kind of dinner: steak with herbed mashed potatoes and salad on the side. He gave an extra-large helping to Luffy, even bigger than usual. The boy didn't move to eat, though. He didn't spear the large piece of meat with a fork and shove it in his face like usual. He just sat there with a blank expression. Chopper worriedly waved a hoof in front of him, wondering out loud if it was shock. The rest of the crew wanted to say something, felt like they needed to say something, but didn't know how to start.

Meanwhile, Luffy kept staring at his plate, slowly making a horrified expression. Because all of a sudden, this wasn't the meat his loved to eat. This was previously an animal that had been killed and seared and the smell of flesh _(was filling his nostrils and mixed with the blood and the smoke and gunpowder and why did it smell like searing flesh was coming from the body in front of him and his hand oh God his hands were covered in that person's blood and-)_

Luffy suddenly put a hand up his mouth, jumping up and running out the door, knocking Usopp off his seat in the process, before he leaned over the railings and threw up.

Everyone quickly followed him outside. Sanji's eyebrow shot up, and he quickly glanced at the food behind him before roughly cursing. "…Shit, Luffy. I wasn't thinking-"

"It's not your fault," he heard the small, almost defeated voice coming from his Captain, wiping off his mouth with his sleeve.

Zoro stepped forward. "Neither is it yours, Captain_."_

Luffy said nothing. He walked toward the lawn, one hand leaning against the railing for support.

"Say something." Zoro urgently presses. "Talk to me, dammit."

"I'm ok. Really. I just…need a little time." He pushed himself off the railing, staggered a couple steps then stopped. "It just feels like…like I lost him…all over again."

It was a chance. A chance for his brother. But it just slipped away. Luffy looked around. The lawn and mast turned into jungle, and the people close to him disappeared. He was covered in bandages. He looked at his hands, and he knew, deep down inside, that they were still soaked in blood. "He's dead, isn't he?"

"Yes."

"…"

"But it's ok." Luffy quickly looked up, like he was noticing Zoro for the first time. "I wasn't there the first time, but I'm here now."

Zoro stepped forward, placing his hands solidly on Luffy's shoulders. He paused, only to trap Luffy in an awkward embrace, ignoring Luffy's sudden flinch.

Usopp followed by tightly grasping Luffy's left shoulder, Brook delicately placing a bony arm on Luffy's right.

Chopper jumped up and wrapped his arms around Luffy's neck.

Robin placed a hand on what was still visible of Luffy's back, pressing her forehead against the back of his head.

Sanji placed a hand solidly on top of Luffy's head.

Nami delicate cupped a hand against Luffy's cheek. Franky wrapped everyone in a huge but surprisingly gentle hug.

Luffy did nothing at first, standing there like a statue. Then his shoulders started to slump. His collapsed onto his knees as the rest of his family followed him awkwardly toward the ground. He started to sniffle, then sob, then finally –at long last- he grabbed Zoro's shirt, letting out an earsplitting cry.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAACE!"

He continued to sob, slurring words like "why" and "fault" and "should've" and "miss him" that they could barely catch.

At every new sob, they felt their hearts break a little. A new rip to join the multitude of cuts and scars gained over the years. But it was fine. If for every new scar they could somehow take one away from Luffy's heart, then they would have crouched here for as long as it took. Because he needed it. Because he deserved it.

They didn't know how long they stayed there. But after what felt like hours of hair tousling and gentle caresses and back rubs and whispered reassurances, their Captain succumbed to a peaceful sleep. Robin wiped the tears from his cheeks, and Franky picked him up to carry him to bed.


	3. What He Hides

Zoro was a man of actions over words. True, he was often heard giving rather epic one-liners after dealing the finishing blow on his opponent. But that was in the heat of the moment. When it came to the more complicated uses of the human language, like giving comfort and inspiring people and making plans and the like, he was often as literate (and tactful) as a brick.

There were many things in his mind that he wanted to say, and he might've blurted them out during dinner, had his Captain not broken down like that. And now, holding tightly to the heartbroken bundle in his arms, he couldn't think of a single thing to say that would make it better; he could only make Luffy feel worse, feel even heavier with guilt.

_Ace would have never forgiven you for giving up your life like that._

_You promised that you would become Pirate King. Are you going to take that back?_

_What is the Strawhat crew without their Captain?_

_We're not heroes, remember? Heroes sacrifice their lives for people. Pirates don't._

They were all statements heavy with implications, heavy with the suggestion that Luffy had failed _(but he didn't),_ had forgotten _(but it's ok)._

Anything he said would probably only make a new wound on Luffy's heart, which was already a shredded, pulpy mess as it was. With that in mind, he resolved to say nothing, instead acting as a large, human-sized handkerchief. After all, it was fine to cry it out every once in a while. It certainly had worked after his first miserable defeat by Mihawk. Come to think of it, Luffy had also been there, his deceptively easy laugh assuring Zoro that the future Pirate King still had absolute faith in his swordsman. Zoro didn't have the confidence to laugh like Luffy (it would have probably come out as a condescending growl), but this time the tables had turned. This time, he would witness Luffy's tears turn into new resolve. And as Zoro clutched Luffy slightly tighter, he sealed up everything he wanted to say, including what was probably the honest, selfish truth:

_You can live without Ace._

_But we can't live without you._


End file.
